Ah, The Politicization of Death

The petition to honor Ted Kennedy's suggestion to the MA legislature to change state law to allow the governor to appoint a provisional Senator should a seat become vacant is gaining momentum.

This makes me chuckle, since the drive is being led by, naturally, liberal groups who don't want the Democratic super-majority in the US Senate to be broken up. These would be the same blokes who had the law changed a few years ago to keep Gov. Romney from appointing a Republican to the seat if John Kerry won the Presidency in 2004. Way to exploit a Senator's death for political purposes, guys.

And of course it doesn't stop there. Partisan groups are doing their best to exploit the Kennedy name one more time before it finally sinks in how much Ted was a punchline in most actual American minds. For example, the fact that mass e-mails are already going out bearing the message "In Lieu of Flowers, Pass Healthcare Reform". I haven't caught, have they decided that they'll name the bill after him? If not, just wait for it; it'll come.

I'm quite keen to hear the TOTUS (having just picked up the term from other blogs, "Teleprompter of the US") eulogize Ted tomorrow in Boston, based mostly on the curiosity over whether or not it will turn into a campaign speech for health care. If it happens, I may just vomit with rage. I am not at all a fan of Ted Kennedy, and have been quite curious how a man could leave a woman in his car at the bottom of a river to suffocate long enough to find his consigliere and establish an alibi could actually make it that far in American politics, let alone avoid jail. Wait a minute, I forgot: JFK's brother. Right, of course.

But if it turns out that our leaders are so glib as to latch on to a prominent man's death to sell an unpopular incarnation of reform, then I'll have totally lost faith in them. That would be downright heartless of them. I'd expect that shit from Karl Rove, but seriously. I hope they're not that ruthless. Please let them have a little ruth among them.

Though, we are protected somewhat by their sheer incompetence. Who do they think they are, the US government from 2001-2006? The Republicans could have only dreamed of having the Majority that the Democrats have now, and they got a hell of a lot more things - and more unpopular in general than what's on the table right now - rammed through with fake bi-partisan support. The Democrats have it all at their fingertips and they're barely squeaking by.

In fact, I have a feeling that Ted Kennedy's absence will have a detrimental effect on the health care situation for the Democrats. Kennedy was at least willing to compromise; that mindset might be gone. If the Democrats let themselves go down the "my way or the highway" path it could be it.

Anyway, enough of this. Don't use "Ted Kennedy would have wanted it this way" to make political points. That sort of logic is only valid for the flower arrangements and the general level or rowdiness at the wake, and that's it. With that said, I'm sure his wake was kick ass.

Chimps are f#$%ing terrifying

I wrote and edited this together at the end of this past March, but I thought that I'd share it here.

One of the communities of chimpanzees that Jane Goodall made famous was the Kasakela community in Tanzania. It was there that she met this particular chimp...

Dawwwwwww.

Meet Frodo. He looks unassuming enough, right? There with his leaves and his fur and his, OH don't you just want to put him in people clothes and make him do people things? He's just like any of us, but so graceful and gentle.

Well fucking wrong you are, he's worse than most of us. Frodo was famous for asserting himself as the alpha male over the rest of the community. He did this through raw aggression and intimidation. He famously thrashed Jane Goodall, almost breaking her neck, and beat up cartoonist Gary Larson. He was the Sulla of chimpdom. So why is he worse than us? This is shit that humans do every day, but even Sulla, one of the chief butcher dictators of the late Roman republic, didn't do what Frodo is most infamous for...

It's common for chimps to wrest newborns from other chimps and kill them for fresh meat as a display of dominance, but a Tanzanian park worker had no idea how bad that can get. Frodo was eating some leaves near a footpath that the woman was walking, on her way to the research camp. She had her 14 month old child with her, and she was scared shitless when she crossed paths with Frodo.

Obey.

He was aggressive, she understood that, but she didn't expect what Frodo did next: he went up to her, wrenched the baby from her arms, disappeared into the forest and proceeded to eat the baby.

Holy shit. Not even Hitler ate babies. This reaches a low that not even the the man considered to be the most evil thing in human history can claim, "Ja. Been there, done that." So maybe we should be thankful that the chimpanzee is a lower life form, although if apes come any further on the technological scale...they are starting to figure out spears and how to kill things with them.

With my spear and magic helmet!

I was also surprised while I was researching this to read about the surprisingly complex politics that went on in Kasakela. In 2002 Frodo fell ill, and a coalition of several other male chimps in the community deposed him. After recovering from his infection, he was unable to reassert his alpha male status.

The cheese stands alone.

So the next time you start to feel superior to other life forms, keep running with it! If you start to sympathize with the chimps and bring them up to our level, they might just eat your newborn baby.

RIP, Ted

Well, Ted Kennedy left us late last night. Ted jokes are off limits for a while, which is something of a shame, but the man deserves every bit of rest. He's earned it.

But, watching the coverage of his death reminds me of one important thing that crosses my mind every time something big happens with the Kennedys: America isn't supposed to have dynasties.

But, a son of Joe Kennedy got a natural death. How about that? I'm not sure if the news really knows how to react to something like that.

RIP, Edward Kennedy.

Italy: The Land Success Forgot

A few minutes ago I stumbled across this article on BBC News:

http://news.bbc.co.uk/2/hi/europe/8217360.stm

Apparently the winner of the Italian lottery hasn't been pinpointed yet, though the village is known. This struck me as slightly idiotic...this person is in line to win what may be the biggest lottery jackpot in European history, or at least since Luca Brindisi won a lifetime supply of indulgences in the big Holy See lotto of 1410.

Speculative medieval history aside, the fact that this person is unknown to the Italians is just one more strike against them as a nation.

Keep in mind that I'm Italian, full breed on my mother's side. I'm in fact a true friend to my Italian brethren, because I'm willing to point out a massive foible on their part, even if it means that we might split: Italy has been unwilling to accept its rightful place in post-Roman history.

Ever since the fall of Rome in 476 A.D. Italy has been grasping at where it once was in history. Unfortunately, its glory days are long since gone, and it would be best for all of us if they just took off the caligae, pulled on their Gucci boots, hopped in their Ferrari and just be content with their new found mediocrity.

There have been some sudden spurts of Italy attempting to regain its former glory. The two main examples I have are: the Renaissance and Fascism. And if you ask me, in the court of world opinion one of those should cancel the other out, big time.

Thank Mussolini for taking the Italian dream and driving it right into the nearest volcano. The rule is, once you've had a kill-crazy dictator run your country for a while you get to take a nice, long vacation on the international back-burner. I'm looking at you, Germany. Russia, get back in the corner! Time-out isn't over yet!

Italy has in recent years seemed to try so hard that it's no wonder that "prima donna" is an Italian phrase. They have, though, gone down a different route: they're riding their mediocrity as a contemporary culture all the way to the front page - front page of what, I don't know, but it's in plain view to anyone who picks it up off the sidewalk.

For example, Italy seems to pride itself on exemplifying every negative point associated with parliamentary government. For a few years it seemed like every day it was a race to collapse the government before lunch. Berlusconi was made Prime Minister, then he'd say something horribly sexist or insensitive, or fuck someone who wasn't his wife, and it was arivederci Berlusconi. Then after the next PM bungled things, a week later they clamored for Berlusconi back. Rinse, repeat.

At least Italy is on the right track. They're glory-hogging at being the worst at things, instead of attempting to be good at stuff again. This past winter some of my friends went to Egypt to study Arabic abroad, and they had to pass through Rome on the way to Cairo. There once was a time, back before running water and recreational bathing, when a phrase like that would fill you with pride. Rome just ain't what it used to be.

Well, no thanks to Alitalia, they were lucky to get through alive, and to hell with any sort of "timetable" my friends were on. Failing at a connecting flight? Check.

France has routinely trounced Italy in Rugby Union since 1987 in the Six Nations tournament. Failing at defeating France? Check.

At least when Germany and Russia exhausted their mulligan with the kill-crazy-dictator rule, they could win at stuff sometimes. Mussolini's feathers-in-the-cap were Ethiopia and Albania, then was pushed back by Greece - a country that has learned its place of international mediocrity, especially by the time this happened in World War II.

Italy should be glad that we're not holding Roberto Benigni against them in this regard. We totally could, because that man has caused about as much misery necessary for an honorable mention.

IMAO hit it right on the head

I'm going to have to agree with Frank J.'s always chortle-worthy assessment over at IMAO.

MSNBC might be trying to incite a race war to boost its ratings.

It really wouldn't be the first time something like this has happened. WWII was in fact orchestrated by the film stock industry to boost the length of newsreels. Vietnam? All the work of Mexican drug lords to recruit new hippies as a customer base.

And of course, who could forget the masters of live war mongering for ratings...the BBC.

A round up of ridiculous stories

http://israelmatzav.blogspot.com/2009/08/swedish-tabloid-publishes-claim-that.html

Apparently a Swedish tabloid has printed a story accusing the IDF of harvesting the organs of Arabs.

Jewish blood libel? Seriously? That topic is so last crusade. Go back to 1508!

http://news.bbc.co.uk/newsbeat/hi/music/newsid_10000000/newsid_10001000/10001079.stm

U2 has written the music and lyrics to an upcoming Spider-Man Rock Opera called "Turn Off the Dark." The Edge described the work not as a musical, but more of an opera, because "musicals are really pants."

"(fill in the blank) is really pants" officially tops my list of potential last words before I die.

http://news.bbc.co.uk/2/hi/science/nature/8209934.stm

France is under attack by Chinese hornets. Thank God these are actual bees and not an escape of the nanobees I reported earlier. Unfortunately for the French there is no central bee authority to surrender to. Waving white flags just makes them ornerier.

http://inventorspot.com/articles/kinkiest_recycling_program_ever_makes_sexhappy_ecoconscious_adul_31567

Recycle your dildo. I need only quote a section of the text: "To recycle the sex toys drop it in the mail. Please clean them first. Yes, they can be used sex toys. They can also be unused. They can even be broken sex toys."

I've heard reducing your carbon footprint referred to as indulgences, but this is ridiculous.

Russians Detain Tanker Hijackers

After the Russian cargo ship The Arctic Sea reportedly vanished while passing through the English Channel last month, it was found off the coast of East Africa and Russia has detained the suspected hijackers.

So, I called it wrong. When this story first broke I was convinced that it was the work of some Viking revival - aided by the fact that the cargo was timber, which naturally they need for their longboats. Apparently the hijackers were a mix of Russians, Latvians and Estonians, so certainly NOT Vikings. Coastal British monasteries can rest easy...for now.

History Channel's "The Universe" - Case in Point

In my last post where I commented on the deranged nature of the choice in scientists that the History Channel interviews constantly for The Universe, it may have seemed a bit unfair just to say it. So, I thought I'd provide some examples.

Let's begin. Here are two of the most likely scientists on The Universe to end up at the wrong end of MI-6

The Man: Neil deGrasse Tyson.

The Mission: He's an astrophysicist in New York City, director of the Hayden Planetarium, and works with the American Museum of Natural History in Manhattan. He does a lot of media work, because of his high charisma modifier and disarming similarity to Billy Dee Williams, as encapsulated in the above photograph. His Wikipedia page is quite detailed, all things considered, suggesting to me that he may have written it himself.

The Madness: This morning there was a mini-marathon of the show, and I caught in particular a snippet he did for the episode on space travel. Discussing how to get to Mars in the quickest way possible, he suggested that one could ride a comet as it rockets towards the sun, and dismount it at the right moment to make a round trip in only a matter of weeks, as opposed to a range of months to years under current practices (depends on where Mars is in its orbit relative to Earth). He went on to describe it as, though a sure-fire death sentence (pun unintended), potentially a lot of fun.

In other words....


The Man: Alexei Vladimir Filippenko

The Mission: He's a professor of astronomy at UC Berkeley and is a specialist in supernovae. He was a member of the Supernova Cosmology Project and High-z Supernova Search Team that developed the theory of the accelerating universe, and by implication the ominous-sounding concept of dark energy. He's also a member of questionably named Nuker Team, which utilizes the Hubble telescope to observe supermassive black holes.

The Madness: Well Christ, just look at him! In this photo or any interview he's done in The Universe, he looks like he's close to declaring "No, Mr. Bond. I expect you to die!" He has that twinkle in his eye that suggests higher ambitions, and observe him in such an interview (I wish I could find a good clip out there to demonstrate)...he goes about his trade with an almost Riddler-level of enthusiasm. I have a feeling that his interest in supernovae and black holes isn't all so innocent, either. I'd like to think that he has plans to hold the universe hostage with a machine that could create a black hole right here on Earth. Wait.....shit. Keep an eye out for Alexei Filippenko hijacking that thing once it goes online once and for all.

Besides, his name just screams super villain.

Scientists to release swarms of bees on your cancer

Apparently scientists have engineered bees to "sting cancer to death"

To be fair, these aren't actual bees, but a brilliant - albeit terrifying - leap in nanotechnology. These nanobees are actually armed with a cancer-killing chemical extracted from actual bee venom.

Science has done it again. They've taken a very noble concept - in this case, treating cancer - and have gone about it in the most blood-curdling insane way possible. Even the term "nanobees" seems designed to strike fear into the heart of humanity. I can only surmise that mad scientists have taken over the study of nanotechnology.

This all reminds me of the fully realized version of the scientists interviewed on the History Channel's series The Universe. Just watching one episode you can see in all of their eyes the twinkle that says that if they had the resources, they'd immediately make the leap from theoretical astrophysics to super villainous mad science.

Lump this all together with CERN and their black hole machine, and the most obvious conclusion to make is this: all scientists strive to be James Bond villains.

Robert Novak (1931-2009)

I'm very sad to say that Robert Novak has passed on.

Love him or hate him, he was a frigging icon. Journalists like him don't exist anymore; they're almost all gone. And he was one of very, very few who could stand to make eye contact with James Carville long enough to scream at him on CNN's Crossfire.

The right loved him, and the left loved to hate him. Whichever side is concerned, he'll be missed.

Media loses its collective shit over armed protesters, shocked to learn it's totally legal

As a gun owner who would relish the chance to carry his rifle over his shoulder wherever he went here in N.Y., I'm having quite a laugh observing the major news coverage of gun-owners exercising their constitutional rights at protests in open carry states.

First was the man in New Hampshire with a pistol strapped to his leg, but the other day in Arizona a dozen such folks showed up - including a guy with an AR-15 - and did it perfectly legally and responsibly.

I linked to the MSNBC report because it's, so far, the most alarmist one that I've seen. In the third paragraph they seem honestly shocked that, despite the presence of firearms, "no crimes were committed."

If you look at the CNN article, it comes off as concerned, but still able to comprehend the 2nd Amendment to the U.S. Constitution, as well as Arizona state law allowing open carry. They even cite statements by US Secret Service spokesman Ed Donovan, who, when asked if the President was in any danger at either the Arizona or New Hampshire protests, he responded "Of course not." Unlike MSNBC, CNN also doesn't spin this with the ominous sub-headline of "the beginning of a disturbing trend?"

Yes, MSNBC. One of the most important rights ever recorded on parchment being freely, safely and responsibly exercised is part of a "disturbing trend." These guys weren't saying "Durr hurr I'm gon' kill me a President." The statements they were making were more along the lines of "Remind the government who's boss" and "my rights don't disappear just because."

So, for these two major news sources, the summation is thus:

CNN: Wow, really? *checks the books, does reporting* Hm, okay. It's kosher. Rock on, Constitution.
MSNBC: Wow, really? B-b-b-b-but the Nazis!